Pseudo Baby Fever

I have a problem, a serious problem. My problem is I have pseudo baby fever. Let me explain. I grew up an only child with lots of cousins. The only issue with my substitutes is my cousins didn’t live in the same town. They lived two hours away so once a month visits were the most I could hope for. I did have several close friends at church, but I would imagine that nothing is like having siblings who grew up with the same memories in the same household.

And then you have kids and so your kids have cousins to play and if your family is like my family, no one has just one child. And what parent isn’t happy about having grandkids. Grandparents exist purely to torture parents by giving the babies whatever they want. This makes me a little sad because I know that mother will never experience what all of her siblings and friends have, the joy of grandchildren. She would love them and be a wonderful grandmother. I would love the summer breaks as they head down south ever summer. Apparently this was not my path. I always knew I wanted children and at least two because I didn’t want them to be lonely like me. What’s weird is in that vision I never saw a man, a husband, a partner. I only saw me with my kids, maybe foreshadowing but we’ll never know. And then it happened and then it didn’t and then it was over.

Fast forward to January when I found out my cousin was pregnant with her fourth child. I’ll admit I was very happy for her but jealous as well that she had been blessed with another child. She was already a great mother. Within a span of weeks I found about several more ladies I knew were expecting. More mixed emotions for my virgin womb. You see I firmly believe pregnancy is so beautiful and motherhood is the most important job you could ever have. It’s the only job where don’t need experience and you don’t go to training. Hence my pseudo baby fever. I say pseudo because while the feelings and desires are real, my mental and physical capabilities are pseudo. My current life is not conducive to raising a child not to mention one very important missing element, a caring reliable partner. What quenches the pain and emptiness in my soul is my circle. My circle involves so many precious children and I thank their parents for allowing me access to them. From newborns to college-aged, they have filled some of the holes in my soul with their soft, playful, inquisitive natures. And who knows what will happen maybe I’ll become a mentor, or a foster parent. My pseudo baby fever will probably never go away but I pray that my reality will soothe my soul.